i listened to a tarot video yesterday that said i hold back my power, and on the surface, those able to see beyond it, can see that i'm holding back. yeah, girl. she said i'm scared of my power. i guess that's the tip of the iceberg. how will it feel? i know it'll rumble through me, not giving me much of a choice at all to surrender to it. it's funny, because i am realizing more and more that the way i want to live is through the power flowing within me, i guess you could put it that way. lately, i've been saying, it's my heart. i want to live in guidance of my body, my heart, the unknown and unseen that is beyond logic, that will put me in a place where it feels like time doesn't exist and i'm laying amongst love and flies hovering above the grass.
i'm aware that i don't really step into my full self and let people see that. i'm now opening the tap and letting it - me - dribble out, for myself (and everyone else) to get used to the taste.
who will emerge? i'll probably recognize her more than i recognize myself right now.
i'm ready for her, and i think, so are others.
stepping into my presence.
my boss told me he wants to feel my presence more. that i can't hide.
it was a confronting, yet so necessary to feel that honest reflection from someone whose seeing the truth of what i'm embodying.
yet, i feel myself being something new. it's interesting. is it new?
it feels like i'm picking up a lot of pieces of me that i put down over the last 6 years.
a time when i felt my "power", my life force, surging through my body when i read text by gandhi's son.
when i relentlessly met my deeper inner self and made commitments i was brave enough to keep.
then loss,
much much loss
and aloneness.
maybe i've dumbed it down and numbed it out since then to avoid these things.
here i am,
picking me back up,
because i know now that when you lose yourself, everything else goes, too.
i read allegra's (@thejellyfishjam) more recent piece where she kept saying to herself "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" - i feel that. i keep on reminding myself of that too.
as i go through another transformation, one that feels less clear, but more integrative - less linear, more in line with the truth of the way i know reality to be - fluid, containing it all - i'm reminding myself to not throw away the baby.
to take who i've been with me, the parts that still feel present within me.
the parts my heart is guiding me to keep in its circle.
the rest, it's not a conscious choice. it's a so-easy, almost unnoticeable fall away. thank you
all of this to say - i don't even know. i just felt like writing. following my heart rather than it needing to make logical sense. and here we are
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