as i am leaving los angeles, minerva, the memories that escape me too easily to feel settled about, the trees and streets - i remember, like i've never known before, but it was always true, that these trees, these homes, these humans, these parts within me will continue to live. they don't cease to breathe, go through seasons and interact with other forms of life as i go on "without" them.
it doesn't serve anyone or any being if i stunt myself and attempt to sink into the death of these things that were once living alongside me. it doesn't mean i love them any less if i decide to continue to live.
after all, these people i've shared memories and love with, these trees and the breeze, and everything else has already transformed. the only thing still real about this specific things are the life that moves through them still, and has since changed - is not the same - since i've shared myself with it. what i hold onto in specific mental note, is like stale meat. what continues thrumming throughout me is the life that once passed through me, the memories that can't be reconfigured to suit my narrative ~ only felt through my heart and through the ways those things have shaped me like water shapes a stubborn rock over time.
things dont make sense and i'm learning to accept that. meaning, i feel how it doesn't make sense and i scream and i will one day cry.
i don't escape the truth of what i feel, and what she feels, to make it make sense in my mind. well, i do, but i'm learning to be with the existential dread of the way things are, and the existential wonder. the confusion, and on the opposite end, the way life proves you so wrong by shaking you by the shoulders until you can see clearly enough and believe when it slows down to tell you how much it loves you.
im learning all of this grief, all of this anger, all of this love doesn't get settled when it makes sense to me. it gets settled in an unexpected wave as i walk down the street and i am in my life.
i'm learning how the unexpected way emotions sneak up on you is one of my greatest fears, how the water can take you from underneath your feet while you're not looking. can pull you under without breath for longer than you think you can handle.
and i'm also seeing that theres another part of this sentence, that this narrative i've held for so long isn't the end. getting to the other side of it with no sense of where that is and seeing for myself is a long awaited for experience.
ladybugs stopping by often, the universe pulling and pushing certain people into and out of my life like a divine orchestra, the rare car you now see everywhere that belonged to someone you've let go of, the way i'm meeting more of what's real inside of me, the way i'm being proven wrong about who i thought i was, and the way that i'm feeling more liberated to be me without any playbook or external reference.
the way time and loss are moving in space and time and becoming a different form than i once knew them as.
the way that life is long
and nothing is ever a real goodbye
we all keep on living
we walk different pieces of the earth
but i know you're walking over there still
i wonder how you really are
and who you are now
one day i may get to see
or you'll be another lesson on the way life is
and my heart gets to be strengthened by it
❤️🔥🫀🥺🪐👣🫁
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