I was recommended to a new form of therapy from someone close to me who had just finished her Masters in Counseling program. It’s called ‘focusing’. I basically sit on zoom with a woman who asks me, “What’s up today?” and I choose something to explore deeper with her. It’s a somatic (body-based) exploration; one where my only job is to look towards that which is “up”, and her only job is to hold the space and act as a mirror to my expressions. I’ve been a few times, but haven’t approached the space in the way I did today.
I don’t know what prompted me to enter the space in this way today. These are the questions of the universe. Maybe it was cosmically ordained. Maybe I am growing in emotional skills. Maybe both. Yes, both.
Today came with a raw expression of my experience. I turned towards the parts of myself that were speaking and they started to talk more. When my focusing coordinator prompted me to listen to what they were saying, I listened with my body, not with my mind. I knew that what they were trying to tell me, was something hidden under the noise of my mind. Things that I know within the whispers of my soul, and the memories stored inside of my body. And they all communicated to me differently. They all asked to be related to differently.
A memory flooded my mind and my body remembered what it felt like to want to hide under my covers. It also remembered how good it felt to give myself that safety.
Another character sat with their arms crossed over their chest, sitting on the floor against a wall. Stubborn and not ready to talk. Another was a fluttering green fairy with a wand, asking me to flow, and giving me eskimo kisses following our interaction.
I kept on repeating, “this is so weird”, with a smile on my face.
Giggling is usually an indication that I’m coming up against my comfort zone in an exciting way.
It truly felt like my body, and my self, was housing all of these different characters that were personified aspects of myself through my imagination. All containing different personalities, different environments in which they felt safe enough to be related to… simultaneously, all relating to one another as well.
The stubborn one annoyed with the one hiding under the covers. Each justified in their existence. Each wanting attention from me. Communicating in different ways, at different paces, with different levels of trust, requirements, and requests.
In this moment, I understood the quote that goes something like, “It’s enough work having a relationship with my many personalities that only a few relationships with others is sufficient for me.” I always felt this way to some degree, that I only have so much capacity to dive into the richness of a select few’s inner worlds. Today, I was validated in this feeling, mwaha.
Never would I have expected todays hour-long inwardly facing practice to acquaint me further with inhabitants within me that want to be related to. And probably have been drowned out for years by a louder inhabitants cry; avoidance.
I’ve tried on many different healing modality hats before. They all unlocked different parts within myself and connected to differing pieces within me, but always felt after a while like I was trying them on.
I’m not sure if many others are as impressionable as I am, as easily able to let my own hand go and drift out to sea in the dreams of someone or something else.
If you find yourself far from yourself, in the name of healing, maybe you lost your line and need to come back home to shore.
Today’s experience, one where I met characters within myself that so naturally triggered connective memories, compassion towards the many contradicting pieces of me… seemed like the most direct experience with magic.
Remember, every part of you exists, whether you believe it’s allowed to or not. What would it be like to get to know it, and simply listen to its neurosis in pursuit of connection with you. What would happen if you did connect to it?
Once we start to allow pieces of ourselves to express and relate to them with our own aligned conscious action, these realities… we can’t dream up.
What would it be like to allow the reality to unfold before you?
In hand with you.
If you fear what might come up, ask someone to be with you. Speak out loud the way the pieces of you fight with each other. They want to be understood.
As we learn and love ourselves, I’m right here in the journey.
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